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crzythoughts
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Name: Pippi
Country: United States
State: Pennsylvania
Metro: Gettysburg
Birthday: 1/17/1987
Gender: Female
Interests: Thunderstorms, Jazz music, pink underwear, star gazing, watching the sunset, strawberries, hiking, planting things, baking/cooking, octopi, reading and being comfortable.
Expertise: Enjoying food to the fullest, Being contagiously happy, Laughing (or should I say snorting), and baking :o)
Occupation: Student
Industry: Health Policy
Message: message me
AIM:  LittleFozzyBear
Yahoo:  stephieasper
Member Since:
8/20/2003
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| As my years progress, it seems sad to me that I keep the notion that time seems to be slipping away a little faster as each day comes along. Apparently I'm 22 and an old soul what can I say.
With this idea in mind, I have to say that I fully appreciated my philosophy discussion this morning. We were discussing the aspects of time; how only the very minute present is existent (the past and the future do not exist and never in a sense will). Particularly worthy of my attention was the fact that time, as we understand it can have no duration. There is no long time because the only time is the present; there is no extension to time. And this is when I smiled and looked out the window at the thunderstorm.
What if every passing moment was in fact eternity unfolding itself over and over again? If there is no past and there is no future, then eternity lies in each nanosecond of the present.... always there always being. Blows my mind
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| seriously, I love my family. But I'm starting to realize that I don't quite know why I have such an attachment to them. My mother... well we all know that story by now. I'm starting to think she rather hated me as a child. My Dad, well he tries his best, but in earnest, I think that his idea of a good dad is one who provides for his family financially, instead of a whole person being. My oldest Sister and I's relationship is abysmal at best. Only Jenny is a saving grace and half of the time she thinks that I'm too annoying to be around, or she wants to get away from me. I love my family.... but I always feel like the blacksheep. The person that doesn't belong. I never belonged. My dad had Sarah. Sarah had jenny and well I just got the short end of the stick.
This all came about tonight from looking through old photos and new ones and realizing the amount of things that I miss out on because my family does things when I'm not around. We never do things together when I'm here (barring like major holidays) but when I'm gone its like.... a family. My sisters wedding photos- happy family with no Steph. My families photos from before I was born, happy with no Steph. Suddenly when I show up we can't even fill a picture album full of photos. We aren't happy anymore, and I get the shaft of having a solid family.
To this day I'm convinced that the reason I cling and attach so firmly to the people around me, be it a relationship, my friends, anyone I really come across in general, and the reason that I tell people how wonderful my family is, even when I don't feel like I belong, is because I long.... scratch that I ACHE in my soul to have something to cling to. To have something that is an eternal pit of happiness and support in my life. Somehow I missed out on that, and I want it so badly it hurts my soul to look at picture albums. It hurts to say goodbye. It hurts to even think of losing someone in my life because those of you who are here are all I have left. And regardless of the situation, the relationship, how good of friends we are, I have to cling to what I have because if its gone---- all thats left is me. How am I supposed to love something that not even my mother could?
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| Life, you strange woman, I never know where you're going to take me
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| So I'm sitting around today thinking what the fuck is the point of all of this crap.
I'm tired of being the one that holds everything together. I am constantly inviting people out and when they go out they don't invite me. Maybe I should take a bloody hint or something.
Also, I can't believe I fell for this guy. I can't believe it. I'm an idiot. And I wish I could take it back and not have any feelings for him at all, but that's impossible at this point. Unfortunately, it wont turn into anything....
and I find myself asking will I ever fall in love again like I was when I was naive about matters of the heart? I want so badly to be able to feel that way again, and to have someone feel that way back for me, but I'm afraid that it will never happen. It's saddening.
And I'm lonely
Random ranting I know guys but bear with me
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